I don't want to share you
by CybrAngl
Summary: Kevin wants more from Penelope than she can give. The team always gets her attention and she just won't commit to their relationship. Will she have to choose? M/G of course!
1. Chapter 1

She looked at the clock on the wall. It was 9:30PM and she had been there all day. The case had been rough on all of them. The images of those children was something she knew she'd never be able to erase from her mind. She leaned back in her chair, removed her glasses and closed her eyes. After a few minutes she decided she needed to go home. After every case she would wait for the team to return, but they were still in mid-flight and it would be at least 3 hours before the plane touched down. She sat up straight; put her glasses back on and one by one put her babies to bed. As she reached the last one she noticed she had an email message and clicked on it. The message was from Kevin and she immediately knew it wasn't going to be good. She was supposed to have had dinner with Kevin, a rain check she had promised from the last time she canceled. It had totally slipped her mind. The email simply said "Good Night".

Kevin had a very hard time understanding why she was so attached to her job. "Commitment is one thing Pen, but you go overboard. You are NOT on call 24/7 and you are NOT the only analyst they can use" he once said to her. She picked up her cell phone to call but thought twice about it. She knew that calling him at this hour and from the office would only lead into a two hour discussion about how she needed to set boundaries. She didn't have the energy or the desire to justify her reasoning. This wasn't just a job for her, this was an extension of the family she lost so long ago and desired so deep within. They depended on her, they counted on her but more important than that, THEY had always been there for her. She threw the phone in her purse, shutdown her email client and put the last baby to sleep.

She headed towards the door of her office and flipped the light switch off before closing the door. The only thing keeping her tired body going was the thought that her team would be back in the morning.

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The plane landed at 1AM. Even though they had managed to get some sleep on the ride back, the lack of sleep from the past couple of days had started to catch up with them. The van had dropped them off at Quantico and as they walked across the parking lot to enter the building, Derek couldn't help but notice that Penelope's car wasn't there. She always waited for them and he looked forward to seeing her after a case was done. She had a way of relaxing him and making him feel human and he needed that right now. Emily obviously noticed the disappointment in his face and said "What's wrong?" He shook his head slightly and replied "Nothing, just tired I guess." Emily left it alone but she sensed that there was more to it.

Emily knew Derek well enough to know that this case had taken its toll on him. Whenever the case involved children, he seemed to be the most affected. She wasn't sure if it was his protective side, the one that believed in helping the underdog, or if it was his childhood experiences that made him empathize with children, what she did know was that for the next couple of days or even weeks, he would be battling his own demons. She knew he would blame himself for not being able to save Charlie.

Derek walked over to his desk and placed his file on it. He had considered staying for a few hours to get a jump start on them but his brain was simply too cluttered with visuals he needed to fight off to accomplish anything. "Hey guys, I'm going to head out, I'm exhausted and it'll be useless for me to try to finish anything here tonight. " Derek said. From all corners of the bull pen came the usual "good nights" and "drive safe". Derek picked up his ready bag and headed towards the car.

Derek opened up his front door and turned on the lights. He had expected for Clooney to greet him at the door but quickly remembered that Penelope had taken him to her house while he was gone. "He's lonely when you leave!! He doesn't like being in the dark alone!" were her arguments. He couldn't help but chuckle at her excuses. Truth was she loved having Clooney over her house. He kept her company and she spoiled him rotten.

As exhausted as he was he knew he just wouldn't be able to get to sleep yet, he was too wound tight. He showered and headed to the living to watch TV. As he flipped through the channels he saw a picture of Charlie flash across the screen on one of the cable news channels. Derek closed his eyes, and leaned his head against the sofa, in the background the newscaster's voice was all that was heard giving the chilling details of Charlie's death.

He quickly got up, grabbed his jacket and his keys and walked out the door.

Penelope was sleeping but was woken up by a loud bang on the door. She put on a robe and went to the door. She peeked through the hole and when she saw who it was she opened the door quickly and said "What are you doing here?"

Kevin walked into the apartment without waiting to be asked. As he walked passed Penelope she sarcastically said "Oh no, I'm not doing anything, come on in!" as she waved her arm to the side mockingly.

"We need to talk. We can't go on this way." Kevin said. "You always put everything before us. If it's not the job, it's the team, if it's not the team it's the job. It's always something!" He yelled.

Penelope closed the door to her apartment and quickly turned around. She was aggravated. "Kevin, it's 3 in the morning and I had just barely fallen asleep! YOU know how hard it is for me to sleep and I've had a very long week! Do we have to do this now??" Penelope said.

"When else do I get to see you? I can't talk to you in the office because you're afraid we'll get in trouble. I can't count on you keeping a date because YOUR team might need you at that precise moment in time. Lunch time is off limits because of course you have to have lunch with the girls or with Morgan. Hell we can't even go out for drinks after work because you're never out of work at a decent time, and on the rare occasions you actually leave on time, YOU have to go for drinks with YOUR team! The only time I know I can get your attention is when you're sleeping!!" He said. As Kevin spoke, the veins in his neck were prevalent. She could tell he was really upset but she was tired and as much as she tried to explain what her job meant to her, or what her responsibilities were, he was never willing to listen.

"Kevin, I know you're upset but I'm exhausted. I know if you and I talk right now, we are going to say things that we won't be able to take back. THIS is not the time. We can discuss this tommmm"

Kevin interrupted Penelope mid sentence and said "WHAT?? Tomorrow?? Is that before or after you meet with your team? I don't know shall we meet in the hallway on your way to chat with JJ?? No, maybe we can do it when you're on your way back from chatting with Morgan. You think you can spare let's say a minute or two for me??" Kevin said sarcastically.

"NOW LISTEN!" Penelope said as she stepped toward Kevin waving her finger practically in his face, "I have NO idea where this is coming from and quite frankly I have even less of a desire to try and find out! I work hard and I take my job very seriously. YES I have long hours! YES I'm dedicated to my team! And NO that isn't going to change! You knew what my life was like, you knew what my job entailed and you knew that THE TEAM as you put it is my family! You knew there NOTHING I wouldn't do for them." She yelled.

Kevin was hurt. This was not the reaction he was expecting to get from her. He thought once he expressed his feelings she would be compassionate, instead she seemed to negate his feelings altogether. He shook his head as in disbelief and staring right into her eyes he said "I always thought that maybe at some point in our relationship, there would be nothing you wouldn't do for us." Just then there was a knock at her door.

Penelope stared at the door for a minute then briefly looked up at the ceiling and said "this is a test right? It has to be." She quickly opened the door and without thinking she said "Is there a sign at some bathroom that says Penelope's opened all night??

"Is this a bad time? Derek said.

"Holy shit, not even when she's sleeping can I get her attention" Kevin said out loud.

"Oh shit, Kevin I'm sorry I uhh I had no idea you were here. I'm sorry I'll just go uhh I just wanted to uhh Man, this is awkward" Derek said as he turned to leave.

"Derek don't. Please, please don't leave. Come in, you're not interrupting anything. Are you ok?" Penelope said as she placed her hand on his arm to guide him inside. She closed the door behind him and asked if he wanted something to drink.

Kevin's jaw dropped. He stood there in disbelief. For the past 20 minutes they were having a full blown discussion about their relationship. She complained that she was too tired to do this, that she had to work in the morning, that they could talk tomorrow, but as soon as Morgan shows up she's more than eager for HIM to come in. Hell she even offered him a drink! He grabbed his jacket in a rush and walked towards the door.

"Kevin, we'll talk tomorrow ok?" Penelope said.

Kevin looked at Penelope but didn't respond; he opened the door and walked out.

"Baby girl, I should go it looks like you two need to talk and it's late, I'm not really sure why I came here." Derek said.

"No, please stay. You didn't interrupt anything that I didn't want interrupted. I'm glad you came. Now tell me, what's wrong Angel?" She asked as she grabbed his hand and led him to the couch.


	2. Chapter 2

"Penelope talk to me, what's going on? What did I walk into?" he insisted.

At that moment, Clooney who had been in Penelope's bedroom heard Derek's voice and came running out to greet his master. Clooney's tail wagging so hard, it shook his half his body side to side. "Hey boy" Derek said, as he bent down to pet him. "He really misses you when you're gone." Penelope said. No sooner had Penelope said those words, Clooney turned around and walked back to her room. He jumped on her bed and curled up to go to sleep. Derek looked at Clooney and couldn't help but chuckle. "Yea, he misses me alright I can see how distraught he is." Derek said. He looked over at the corner of the living room and noticed the section of her house that had been set up for Clooney. She had gotten him a doggy bed, bowls and even toys. "He ever use that bed you got him?" Derek asked motioning towards the corner.

"Maybe during the day, but when I'm home he's usually with me. He follows me around and begs for my attention. I don't think he likes being by himself." She said.

"You spoil him way too much; no wonder he loves being here." Derek said. In his mind he thought Clooney wasn't the only one that didn't like being alone. Like Clooney, on those nights when the silence was deafening, he too sought her company and her comfort. He found himself needing that comfort right now. He wasn't sure why, but he knew she was the only one that could provide it.

"Derek? Derek!" Penelope said trying to get his attention.

Derek looked up at her and gave her a best effort smile. "I'm sorry baby girl, I was uhh I don't know where I was." He said. "Hey, you didn't answer my question earlier, what's going on between you and Kevin?"

"Derek, you didn't come here to talk about me or Kevin. I'm listening baby, what's wrong? You seem to be a little out of it." she said sweetly as she grabbed his hands in hers.

Derek released a big sigh and shook his head. He grabbed his chin with his hand and stroked it. He spoke slowly as if choosing his words carefully. "It's wearing me down baby girl. I feel like I lose a piece of who I am with every victim we don't get to. I get this chance to try and save them and I fail 9 out of 10 ten times; at least it feels that way. I'm not sure how long I can do this before I totally lose who I am."

"Derek, you're good at what you do. You're a part of an elite team of profilers. But that doesn't make you God baby. It makes you a person that's perfected his skills to try and help human kind. How many people do you know that are willing to sacrifice themselves like you do for someone they don't even know? Yes sometimes we don't make it on time but even then you give them something they wouldn't have had if nobody tried, you give them peace."

He looked up at her and gave her a half hearted smile. "Baby that's real sweet and I love you for saying that but what good does that do them?" he said

"Can you imagine what it's like for their families? Imagine what it must feel like to lose a loved one and not know the face of the killer or the reason they killed or why it was your loved one that was chosen that day, that minute. I couldn't imagine not being able to have closure on something so traumatic. I would live everyday asking myself questions that I would never have the answers to. Can you imagine living that way? Penelope asked.

Derek simply shook his head. His emotions were so raw that attempting to say anything might force him to lose the control he was so desperately trying to hold onto. She could see he was struggling but she knew this was a battle only he could fight.

"I have an idea." She said. "Give me a minute." She got up and walked into her bedroom and returned quickly with a blanket in her hand.

"Ok get up." She said.

She moved the throw pillows around and sat at the very corner of the couch; she patted the seat next to her and told him to lie down."

"Pen, what are you doing?" he asked

"Do you trust me?" she asked

"You know I do" he said.

"Ok then, lay down." She grabbed one of the throw pillows and placed it on her lap. "Put your head here." She said as she patted the pillow.

She grabbed the blanket and covered him. She placed her fingers on his forehead and gently caressed him. "Close your eyes." She said softly. "Try not to talk, just try to relax."

Softly she ran her fingers over his forehead, down his cheeks, around his lips and back up again. She did this for a while. She knew this all about Charlie and she understood his feelings. It was hard when you tried so hard and came up short. She could feel his body letting go. His head was getting heavier on her lap and his breathing deeper and more rhythmic. She sat there watching him sleep. She fought her own urge to close her eyes and rest. She wanted to be awake in case he woke up. She wanted to watch him sleep; she didn't know when she'd ever get this chance again.

She sat in silence for hours afraid to move and wake him. She was content just to sit there and watch him. He had such a peaceful look on his face. She thought about her situation with Kevin and his reaction tonight. She had conversations in her head about the things she would tell Kevin when she saw him today. As much as she disapproved of his visit tonight it paled in comparison to her disapproval of his constant reference to "HER TEAM" and his attempt to make her choose between who deserved her attention. Every time she'd start to go over the words she would use to try to explain to him how she felt, she found herself going down a much different path. She always wound up defending her relationship with Derek and feeling very protective of it and of him. She loved him very much, but it wasn't about that. This battle in her head wasn't about her team or her love for them, it was about Derek and the fact that she was "in love" with him. She had been for years but for the very first time in those years she finally admitted it to herself.

She realized that no matter what she told Kevin or how much she explained her feelings, she could never justify being with Kevin when her heart belonged to someone else. It didn't matter that her feelings would never be reciprocated, or that Derek would never know, what did matter was that she needed to be honest with Kevin but more importantly she needed to be honest with herself. Kevin was a great guy and she the last thing she wanted to do was hurt him. But pretending that they had a chance to be an "us" was only going to lead to more hurt. She couldn't lead him on, she needed to talk to him and she would, as soon as they got into work.

She looked back down at Derek as he started to stir in his sleep and decided she would enjoy the last few minutes she had to hold the man she loved. He opened his eyes and smiled at her.

"Good morning sunshine" she said smiling.

"Good morning baby, what time is it?" he asked.

"It's 7. How'd you sleep?" she asked.

"Like a baby. I haven't slept that well in ages." He said. He didn't bother to tell her, it was the first time in months that he hadn't had a nightmare.

"Want some coffee? She said.

"Did you sleep at all?" he asked her.

She smiled, what's a little white lie to thought to herself. "Yea I did" she said. Something's are just better left unexplained she thought.


	3. Chapter 3

Derek sat up and stretched. He hadn't slept that many hours but he felt like he had slept for a week. "I don't know what kind of magic you pulled last night, but whatever it was, thank you." He said smiling.

"No magic, just something my mom used to do for me when I was little girl." She said.

"What was your Mom like baby?" Derek asked.

"She was wonderful" Penelope said with a smile. "She used to do all these things with me when I was little. She always gave me a little more attention because I was the only girl. We would have mother daughter dates. On those days her and I would do everything from cooking to crafts, we'd go shopping or just spend the day in the park. No boys were allowed on our dates so we could do all sorts of girly stuff and I didn't have to share her with anyone." Penelope said. She had gotten up to start the coffee and picked up a small picture frame on her way back to the couch. "This is my Mom and Dad" she pointed to the picture as she showed Derek.

"She's a beautiful woman. You look just like her Baby". Derek said.

Penelope smiled and looked at the picture. She often wondered if her life would have been any different had she not lost her parents at such an early age. She placed the picture back on the shelf, right next to the picture of her and Derek. She turned back to Derek and said "We should get moving we'll be late."

"Why don't you go walk Clooney and I'll handle the whole breakfast thingy for all of us." She said.

Derek called Clooney and got up to get his jacket and Clooney's leash. He turned around to Penelope and said "all of us? Who's coming over?"

"Huh? Oh! You, me and Clooney" she said smiling.

Derek shook his head and laughed. He placed the leash on Clooney and walked towards the door "Clooney old boy, you got the wrong end of the deal on Masters" Derek said chuckling "Don't go thinking I'm gonna make you eggs and bacon! Ain't gonna happen!" He said as he took Clooney outside.

Penelope went to her bedroom. She straightened out the wrinkles on the bedspread where Clooney had slept and grabbed the ready bag she had picked up from Derek's house and placed it on her bed. She went to the kitchen and took out some eggs and turkey bacon to prepare for them along with bread. By the time Derek had returned, breakfast was almost ready.

"Mmm it smells great in here." Derek said.

"Go and shower handsome, Breakfast is almost done" she told him. "I have your spare ready bag on my bed, I picked it up when I got Clooney so I could wash your clothes and they would be ready for the next case, you can get some clothes from there for now." She said.

Derek wasn't surprised. She always did things like this for him. Nothing she did ever seemed to faze him, he'd come to expect the unexpected with her. "Thanks baby, you sure you don't need any help there?" he asked.

"I got it, now scoot!! I'm almost done here." She rushed him.

While Derek showered, Penelope fed Clooney. She set the table for Derek and herself and then knocked on the bathroom door and to let Derek know it was ready. "It's going to get cold, hurry up hot stuff" she yelled.

Derek opened up the bathroom door and stood there with the towel wrapped around the lower half of his body. She quickly raised her hands up to her face to cover her eyes and Derek laughed. "I'm covered up; relax, not like you can see anything." He said. She quickly turned her back to him and blushed. He was covered up, but the visuals dancing around in her head right now had nothing to do with that towel.

When they had finished, Derek got up to clear the plates so she could go shower and get ready. Derek realized how much he missed hanging out with her. Ever since she had started dating Lynch, their time together was limited. He'd even noticed she didn't seem to flirt with him as much. It made sense, knowing how Penelope was; she probably thought it wouldn't be respectful to Lynch. He could understand that, he didn't like it, but he could understand it.

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The day after a case, the team would get together and brief the upper brass on the details of the case and its final outcome. Penelope was usually on standby for these meetings in case they needed to review any footage of video evidence for the crime. Penelope was tired, the lack of sleep was catching up with her and anything she did took a little more effort. A knock on the door jolted her out of the quietness of her office and she stood up to open the door. A delivery man stood there holding what Penelope thought was the most beautiful arrangement of Pink Roses.

"I have a delivery for you Ma'am." He said

"These are beautiful!" she said motioning towards her desk for the young man to set the flower arrangement down. She grabbed her wallet to give him a tip and the man said, "It's ok Ms. Garcia, that's already been taken care of." He placed the vase where she had indicated and left, closing the door behind him.

She looked at the flowers and admired the arrangement. She figured Kevin must have thought about things and realized that what he was asking her to do was wrong. She reflected on her relationship with Kevin and how they'd gotten together. He was such a wonderful man and he treated her so well but he just wasn't who her heart wanted. Her heart had long since decided who it was set on, but it would have to settle for having him in her life as a friend.

A soft knock on the door brought Penelope out of her thoughts. She once again went to the door to open it and was surprised to see Kevin standing there.

"Good morning Kevin, I just got"

Kevin cut her off mid sentence, he'd noticed the flowers immediate when he entered the office and said "where did they come from?"

"I thought you sent them." She said

Kevin walked past Penelope and right to the vase; he grabbed the card from the holder and opened it before Penelope could protest.

"Baby girl, last night was amazing. Thank you for always being there for me. Love Your Chocolate God of Thunder."

Kevin couldn't believe it. He stared at Penelope but couldn't seem to say anything. He kept looking at the card and looking at her. He wasn't sure if he was trying to get answers or confirmation. The one thing he did know was he needed to get out of her office and away from her.

"It's not what you think Kevin" Penelope said "Derek just"

Again he cut her off yelling "I really don't care to listen to anything you have to say about him." And with that he turned to leave the office.

"Kevin!" she said

He lifted his hand as if to say stop. He shook his head and looked at her, his eyes full of pain. "I don't want to share you Penelope; if I can't have you all to myself then I won't do this." He said.

"Kevin I'm so sorry." She said as a tear rolled down her cheek.

"Yea, I'm sorry too, I'm sorry I ever got involved in this. Your answer just said it all." He said angrily and walked away.

Penelope closed the door and leaned back against it. The last thing she ever wanted was to hurt Kevin. She should have spoken to him earlier but she kept putting it off. He didn't deserve this.

Penelope felt the walls caving in on her; she needed to get out of there. She grabbed her purse, turned off the lights and left without giving it a second thought.


	4. Chapter 4

Derek looked at the clock on his monitor and knew the flowers he had sent Penelope had already been delivered. He found it strange that she hadn't called him yet about them. She was always quick to call him whenever he sent her anything. His thoughts were interrupted when his cell phone rang.

"Morgan" he answered.

"Hey Derek, its JJ. Is Penelope there by any chance?" she asked.

"Nope I haven't seen her since this morning when we came into work together." Derek said.

"She's not answering her office phone or her cell phone." JJ continued.

"Ok I'll go check her office now, I'll call you back." Derek said and he closed his phone.

Derek got up and turned around to go to Penelope's office. He practically bumped into Kevin who had walked into the bullpen and stood behind Derek listening to the conversation. He heard what Derek had said.

"Hey man I'm sorry I didn't see you there. I was just going to check on Penelope, do you know where she is? She was supposed to have lunch with JJ and Emily" Derek said.

Kevin didn't immediately respond. He stared at Derek for a few seconds and said "Why the hell would I know where she is? Seems to me that you'd know more about her than me!" then turned to leave the bullpen. "Kevin!! KEVIN!? Derek called after him but Kevin kept walking. "What the hell was that about?" Derek said to himself.

Derek went looking for Penelope in her office. He wasn't sure but he had a gut feeling something was wrong. He entered her office without knocking only to find a dark room lit up only by computer monitors. In the corner of her office were the flowers he'd sent her. The card he sent with them had been opened and was sitting on her desk. He grabbed his cell and hit the speed dial but after a few rings all he got was her voicemail.

Derek called JJ and asked her to meet him in Penelope's office. While he waited for her to arrive, he turned on the lights and looked around to see if there was anything he could find. Nothing seemed to be out of place. "What am I missing here baby girl?" he said out loud. Just then JJ and Emily walked through the door and JJ immediately asked "Did you talk to Kevin?"

"Depends on what you consider talking." Derek said with a bit of an edge.

He explained to JJ what had happened in the bull pen earlier and how Kevin had responded. "I don't like that guy JJ, never did." Derek said.

"Derek, we all know you're very protective of Penelope but you always find something wrong with the guys she dates. Kevin is a nice guy. Penelope says he's very sweet and he's been great." JJ said.

"I don't know JJ; I need to trust my gut and my gut tells me he just isn't right. This isn't like her, she just doesn't leave and I'm willing to bet my life that he had something to do with it." Derek said.

"Or this did." Emily said holding up the card Derek sent with the flowers.

"That's not what it looks like." Derek said.

"Care to explain?" JJ said raising an eyebrow.

Derek sighed. I went to Penelope's last night. I couldn't sleep and she has this way of making things right when I'm wound tight. When I got there though, Kevin was there too. It looked as if they were fighting and when he saw me show up he got upset enough to leave.

"Derek we landed at 1. You know they're dating, didn't it cross your mind that he just might be there at that time?" Emily asked

"So what if he was? It's not like anything happened for Christ sake!" Derek replied defensively.

"You guys think he read that card?" JJ asked.

"Not sure if he read it, but I'm sure he read into last night" Emily said.

"There was nothing to read into and why are we discussing what happened last night and not out looking for?" Derek said, annoyed that JJ and Emily were accusing him of something.

"I need to go find her. I can't just stand here and listen to you two while you jump to conclusions. Her computers were on and unlocked; she never leaves them unlocked when she's not here. The Door wasn't even locked and that tells me she left in a hurry." Derek said desperately as he left her office and headed towards the parking lot.

JJ looked over at Emily and said "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"I'm thinking Kevin is jealous and Derek showing up and then reading this card didn't do much to help settle those insecurities." Emily said.

"We need to go talk to Kevin. We need to find out what happened here this morning." JJ said.

Derek drove for hours going to all the places he thought he might find her but came up empty every time. He had spoken to JJ and she filled him in on her conversation with Kevin. He was pissed. He blamed Kevin for hurting his girl.

"I told you JJ! I told you he was responsible for this!" Derek yelled as he hit the steering wheel.

"Derek calm down. We'll find her when she's ready to be found. Right now she's sorting things out." JJ said trying to settle him down.

"Sorting things out? She shouldn't have to sort ANYTHING out!" Derek screamed into the cell.

"Derek listen to me, she's stuck between a rock and hard place and they each have a name, Kevin and Derek." JJ started to say but was quickly interrupted by Derek's ranting.

"I've NEVER asked her to choose. I'd NEVER make her choose. HE'S the one that won't "SHARE" her, what kind of shit is that? Not once have I ever asked her to spend time with me instead of someone else! Not ONCE JJ." Derek angrily.

"No Derek you never asked her to do any of those things. But showing up at her place at 3 am knowing that he might or might not be there isn't exactly subtle. You know Penelope; she would never leave you standing at that door. I'm not saying you did this on purpose Derek, as a matter of fact I believe you're clueless about why you did it. I believe you're in such denial that you might never realize it." JJ said. But before she could continue she heard a click. JJ sighed and shook her head.

"What did he say to that?" Emily asked.

"He hung up." JJ replied. "He was angry; he's not going to see his involvement in this right now. I'll let him cool off a bit and try again later."

"You might be opening up Pandora's box you know?" Emily said

"It's about damn time someone did. I'm tired of their dance. Aren't you?" JJ said looking at Emily.

"Only two hearts can beat as one JJ, someone is going to get hurt." Emily replied.

"The way I look at it, all three of them are hurting now." JJ countered.

"You don't think Derek would come here looking for Kevin do you?" Emily asked

"This is Derek we're talking about, anything is possible." JJ said


	5. Chapter 5

Derek sat in the car and stared out into the horizon. He wasn't concentrating on anything in his view, just the conversation that he had just had with JJ. The more he went over it, the angrier he got. What had he done? He couldn't understand what JJ thought was so strange about his going to Penelope's house. He asked himself these questions but instead of getting any answers all he seemed to get was more aggravated.

They did this all the time! They helped each other through several sleepless nights. Why was JJ so upset anyway? It wasn't like he had gone to JJ's house to wake her up. He'd never do that he thought to himself. He knew JJ had a boyfriend and he'd never… and with that thought he stopped. He leaned back against the seat of his car, raised his arms behind his head and wrapped his fingers together. "Boyfriend" he said and repeated this word to himself. "Penelope has a boyfriend" he said. The reality of it finally hitting him. That had been the first time he'd admitted to himself that Kevin was in fact "Penelope's boyfriend".

JJ was right. He had no right going to Penelope's last night. He went because he needed her. She understood him and she knew how to make him feel right. He was being selfish. He had thought only of himself. He did put her in a position of choosing. He didn't have to ask her, his appearance was sufficient for her to do what Penelope always did, fix him.

Derek rubbed his forehead. The thoughts kept coming to him. The more he fought against them, the clearer he could see just how responsible he was. He didn't know how to fix this. He needed her so much. She would know what to do. But she wasn't there for him and he was the reason why. He battled himself for a little longer going over and over all the details and questions. He knew one thing for sure. He needed to talk to Kevin. He needed to set things right. If Kevin made her happy then he needed to back off.

Derek started the truck and headed back to the office. When he arrived he headed straight to Kevin's office. He knocked on the door but when there wasn't an answer he tried to open it only to find it locked. "Doesn't anybody work here anymore?" he thought. He went to the bull pen to talk to JJ. He knew he needed to work things out with her as well.

He knocked on JJ's door and opened it. "Hey, can I come in?" he asked.

JJ smiled. She knew he had had time to calm down some and was ready to talk. "Sure have a seat." She said.

"JJ I'm sorry. You were right." Derek said.

"No sorry necessary. I know this is hard on you." She said sympathetically.

"It shouldn't be hard though. JJ do you know that today was the first time I even admitted that Kevin was Penelope's boyfriend?" Derek asked but without waiting for an answer he continued "I don't even know him but I'm sure he's not right for her. That's what I keep telling myself. When did I become so judgmental?" he asked.

"Derek, why did you go to Penelope's last night?" she asked.

"I told you JJ, she helps me unwind." He said

"No Derek, you read a book to unwind. You watch TV to unwind. Hell you of all people would hit the weights to unwind. Think about it before you answer, search deep inside, why did you go last night?" she asked again.

Derek sat there without saying a word. He thought about the night before and everything that had happened. He remembered getting on the plane and looking forward to seeing Penelope when they arrived. He remembered his disappoint when they arrived in the parking lot and noticed her car gone. He remembered sitting at home and feeling like a caged animal needing to get out. He remembered… he remembered needing her. He sighed and his shoulders dropped. He looked at JJ and said almost in a whisper "I needed her."

"I'm sorry, you what?" JJ said looking at him with determination.

"Because I needed her!" He said louder this time.

"Derek, we need food, water, a roof over our heads." JJ said but before she could continue Derek interrupted her.

"What do you want from me JJ? What exactly do you want me to say?" he asked angrily.

"Derek, I don't want anything. I'm trying to get you to admit to yourself what you've been denying for years. I know you're scared but pushing these feelings aside doesn't make them go away" she said.

"What difference does it make JJ? Feelings or no feelings she's with someone!" he said.

"Derek, just say it. Stop negating what you feel."

"I'm in love with her. I'm in love with Penelope. There I said it and it doesn't change a damn thing!" he said as he got up.

JJ leaned back in her chair and sighed. "FINALLYYYY!" She said.

"It doesn't change things JJ. She's with someone and she's happy. I won't rock that boat. I won't make things harder for her. That's not fair to her." He said

"I think you're making a mistake but it's not my place to tell you how to handle this." JJ said.

"JJ please don't say anything to her. I don't want her to know. She's happy and I want to keep it that way." He said.

"I won't. I still say you're making a mistake though." JJ replied.

"No, telling her would be a mistake. Walking away? That's the right thing to do." He said.

Derek left JJ's office and headed home. He thought about her the whole drive home. He'd never felt this way about anyone. He loved her so much but he knew he'd never have her. She belonged to someone else. That was his fault. He'd let the best thing that ever happened to him get away.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: I wanted to take a minute to thank you all so very much for all your kind reviews. This was supposed to have been a very short story but somehow it's taken a life of its own. I wanted to thank AussieStar because had it not been for her wonderful words and friendship, I'd have never even started writing. Dayana, bare with me I'll make it right. I promise.

Derek turned the corner and immediately saw Esther in his driveway. He came to a full stop, his heart pounding so hard against his chest he could barely breathe. He wanted to storm into the house, wrap her in his arms and tell her how much he loved her, how much he needed her, and how much he wanted her. But what he wanted and what he had to do were two totally different things. He hadn't stopped to think about why she was there, that to him seemed like the most natural thing in the world. They always sought each other when they had a problem. What he did keep hearing in his head was his vow to make things right between her and Kevin and loving her as much as did, he was going to let her go. He would do the right thing.

He drove slowly into the driveway and walked up to the front door. With every step he took he talked himself into saying the right things. He convinced himself into believing that his pain now would avoid her pain and that's all it took for him. He would deal with any amount of hurt as long as she was happy.

Inside the light were all off with the exception of a dim light in the living room. He could see her silhouette on the couch curled up. He walked into the living room and sat on chaise. She was sleeping and he was content to simply watch. She seemed so at peace he didn't want to wake her. "My god she looks so beautiful" he thought to himself.

"_You're stalling, you need to do this" _he thought to himself and with that he reached over and gently shook her awake.

"Oh hey doll face what took you so long?" She said stretching and trying to wake up.

"What are you doing here Garcia?" he said coldly.

She noticed the tone in his voice and sensed his distance. "I uhh needed to talk, Are you ok?" she asked.

"Yea I'm fine just tired. How come you didn't go talk to Kevin?" Derek said.

"Cuz I'm I'm a little upset at him right now." She said.

"You really need to cut that boy some slack. He's pretty tolerant of your schedule and well you know, of the team in general. I don't think I could handle it as well as he does and well yea I think that maybe I and the team of course should really give you more time to you know, yourself. " He said. Every word cutting him deeper and deeper. "_Hold it together Derek" _he thought to himself as he tightened his jaw to keep control.

"Is that what you think? I mean, is that what you want?" she asked holding back the tears she knew were inevitable. She needed him and he was pushing her away. If ever there was a more straight forward way of telling her that she wasn't more than just a friend this was it.

"Yea I think its best you know? We all have lives and you're no different. You and him have so much in common and well you've said it yourself, he's good to you and he loves you." Derek said.

"_But I don't love him, I love you." _ She said to herself. Three little words, I love you, words she now knew he'd never say to her. She stood up and grabbed her purse to leave. She had to get out of there she was getting ready to lose it. His coldness through her off kilter. His words made her realize that was stupid to have ever thought he might someday feel for her what she had felt for him for what now seemed like a lifetime.

"I guess I should go and work things out with Kevin." She said lowering her head to fight off the tears.

"Yea you should." He said biting the inside of his lip and avoiding any eye contact with her. He knew if he looked into her eyes he'd lose his resolution. "I'll walk you out." He said.

"No that's ok, I'll see myself out. I'll talk to you tomorrow." She said and walked out the door.

Derek stood in the same spot motionless. He closed his eyes and shook his head in disbelieve. He was broken. Not only had she walked out but he was the one that made her. He knew it was right thing to do, he knew that her happiness was all that mattered. What he didn't know was how he would ever get over her.

Penelope quickly got into her car. She closed the door and started the car. She quickly put the car in gear and drove off. She needed to get away. She felt the tears roll down her cheeks. The last time she'd felt this much pain, was the night she'd said goodbye to her parents for the last time. She couldn't understand what had just happened. The only thing she knew for sure was that she was so unimportant to him that he was willing to give in to Kevin's request. He never once called her anything but Garcia throughout the conversation.

The tears were now uncontrollable. She pulled off to the side and stopped the car. She cried so hard she was having trouble breathing. "_How can I be so unimportant to him? How can he just toss our friendship out like that? How could I be so blind to believe that I was anything more than just a co-worker?" she said as she sobbed. _

Penelope tried to get herself together. She needed to regain control and she needed to talk to Kevin. She couldn't keep leading him on this way. She didn't love him. She knew better than anyone what it was like to love someone that would never return that love and she wasn't about to do the same to Kevin. He had a right to know the truth.

Derek lay in bed unable to sleep. He had never felt anything like this. How could he have been so damn stupid. She'd been right under his nose all this time and he took it for granted. The thought of her being with Kevin at this very moment was tearing him apart. He needed her. SHE was the one and he blew it. When she walked out that door, she took a piece of him with her and he knew he would never be whole without her.

He grabbed his cell phone and flipped it open. After a few seconds he hit the speed dial and waited for an answer.

"Baby, what a surprise!"

"Mom, do you have a minute, I need someone to talk to." He said, his voice cracking.


	7. Chapter 7

Derek and Fran spoke for hours. He explained about the night he went to Penelope's house, about Kevin's reaction that night the day following. He told her about JJ and what she'd said but mostly he spoke about Penelope. How wonderful she was with him, how she took care of him and how she made him feel. Fran could hear the sadness in his voice and it broke her heart. She always feared he would be alone. When she first met Penelope she knew there was something about her that was very special to Derek. It wasn't anything he said it was more of what he did and how he looked at her. But she saw the same thing in Penelope and was having a hard time understanding her son's actions.

"Mom it's simple. He makes her happy; he's obviously giving her what she needs." Derek said sounding a little impatient.

"Honey, if he makes her so happy then why is she always with you!" she responded.

There was a long pause on the line as Derek repeated over and over in his head what he'd just heard. "Derek, you two need to sit down and talk. You need to be honest with each other about your feelings. Stop beating around the bush and playing games. You're both scared and that's normal honey, but if you two don't open up about what you really feel you're going to hurt each other beyond repair." Fran said lovingly.

"Mom I'm afraid I've already pushed her into the arms of someone else. You didn't see the look in her eyes. I've hurt my baby girl so badly. How is she ever going to forgive me?" he said.

Fran could tell her son was crying. She wanted to wrap her arms around him like she did when he was a little boy and tell him everything would be ok, but she knew that what he really needed was a push in the right direction. "Derek you have nothing to lose. If as you say she's in his arms right now then you've already lost the battle so why not try to make it right. The way I see it, if nothing changes, then nothing changes. On the other hand, if you two work it out then you have everything to gain." Fran said.

"I'm scared Mom. What if she doesn't want me? What if she's already in love?" He said.

"Baby, she is in love. She's in love with you. I know you're scared but you need to fight for her. The things we cherish the most are those things that we fight for. If you love her as much as you say you do, then you need to fight. You need to fight for her AND for you. You'll never forgive yourself if you let her slip away. Baby don't spend the rest of your life asking yourself what if? "Fran told him.

"I love you Mom." Derek said.

"I love you too baby. Now go and talk to her, don't wait until tomorrow she needs to hear this now." She said.

Derek grabbed his jacket and his keys and left. As he drove to Penelope's house he thought about what he'd say. He practiced what he'd say over and over. He needed to make her understand why he did what he did. He needed for her to believe he loved her; mind, body and soul.

When he arrived at her house he stopped dead in his tracks and his heart was pounding so hard he thought it would jump out of his chest. Her car wasn't there. What he feared the most was reality. She was with him. He WAS too late. He slowly turned around to leave but he kept hearing his mother's words in his head. "Don't spend the rest of your life asking yourself what if." He put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a key. He looked at it for a bit, shook his head and decided he'd wait. He didn't walk away from anything and he wasn't about to start now.

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"Kevin you don't have to do this. I'm ok. I don't understand why you're being so kind to me when I've been so cruel." She said.

"This isn't something we control Pen, we don't tell our hearts who to love. Really, there are no hard feelings. I wish things had been different but it's just not written that way for you and me." Kevin said.

Penelope planted a kiss on Kevin's cheek. "You really are a special guy and I hope you find someone that will treasure you and love you the way you deserve to be loved." She said as a tear rolled down her cheek.

"Things have a way of working themselves out Pen. "

"He'll never look at me that way and it's ok, I've known that for a long time. I just never verbalized it. Maybe now I can move on." She said.

Penelope took the long way home. She enjoyed the air against her hair when she was in Esther. She wanted to prolong getting home as much as possible. She feared being by herself and having to face the reality of it all alone. She wondered what he was doing at this very moment and who he was with. She thought what if... What if he found someone special? What if he got serious? What if… and just when she thought she had no more tears to shed, along came another flood.

When she opened the door to her apartment and turned on the lights, she was startled to see Derek standing there. She turned around and closed the door. She stood there for a few moments, with her eyes closed, taking deep breaths. Whenever he was in her presence, her body seemed to respond to him. She had no control of the rush of emotions she felt. She quickly spun around to look at him but instead of giving him the smile that she always gave him, she glared at him.

"What are you doing here Derek? It's late and I want to be alone." She said coldly.

"Baby girl I need to tell you something." But she cut him off.

"DON'T call me that. My name is Penelope." She said, her voice slightly raised.

Derek swallowed hard. He took a step towards her and stretched out his arms but Penelope put up a hand and said sharply "NO, don't touch me. You need to leave, it's late."

Derek bit the inside of his lip burrowed his eyebrows. "Baby, please I need to say this." He said taking another step closer to her.

"What? What do you still have to say that you haven't said already?" Her voice began to crack. "What you said earlier was enough. I got it ok? I understood clearly the first time. I don't need you to repeat it."

"Baby PLEASE you NEED to listen to me!" he begged.

"DON'T CALL ME BABY!!" she yelled and with that started sobbing. She covered her face with her hands and cried uncontrollably into them. "I can't handle this anymore. Please Derek leave! I beg you!" she said trying to catch her breath in between words.

He got close enough to her to wrap her in his arms. She buried her face in his chest and stopped fighting the tears she couldn't control. "Why are you doing this to me?" she cried.

"Baby I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Please believe me. I'd sooner cut off my arm than hurt my baby girl." He said. He placed his hand on her chin and lifted her face. He looked into her eyes filled with tears and felt a sharp pain go through him. "Sweetheart, I've been a fool. I let fear and pride get in the way."

She looked at him and shook her head. She couldn't understand what was going on. She opened her mouth to speak but Derek placed his finger on her lips. "Shhh let me finish." He said.

"I've fought every day of my life to get where I am today. There was NOTHING that could stop me when I wanted something. But the most important fight I faced; I shied away from. I kept you at a distance because you scared me. I denied feeling anything more than just friendship because you shook the very foundation of my being. I convinced myself that I needed to stay away so you would be happy. I was being selfish. I lied to myself because the idea of you being with anyone other than me was more than I could handle. I pushed you into the arms of another man and told myself that it was for you. I control every aspect of my life, but you made me lose that control." He said his voice husky with emotion.

"I know I'm too late and I know I don't deserve this chance but I couldn't let you go on believing that I felt nothing for you. I had to let you know." He said swallowing hard.

Penelope was speechless. She was so confused she wasn't sure she was hearing him right. In fact, she wasn't sure what he was trying to say. A tear rolled down his cheek and she placed her hand on his face to wipe it away.

"You didn't push me into his arms." She said. "Kevin and I talked tonight, we're much better as friends than in a relationship. I couldn't give him what he wanted." She continued.

"What is he wanted?" Derek asked.

"My heart but I gave that away a long time ago." She said.

He caressed her cheek with his thumb and gently wiped away the tears as he smiled. "Please tell me I'm not too late. Tell me I still have the chance to win you back" He said.

"You never lost me. I've always loved you and I know I always will." She said.

He leaned in to kiss her. Tenderly they invited each other's tongue to explore. He pulled her closer to him holding her as tight as he possibly could. She wrapped her arms around his neck and when they finally came up for air, they stared into each other's eyes.

"Baby, will you marry me?" he asked.

Penelope nodded as she said yes. Derek quickly picked her up in his arms and spun her around. "I love you Penelope Garcia" he shouted.

Penelope looked at him at and said "its baby girl to you, handsome!"

"MY baby girl." He said and kissed her.


End file.
